5.19.2016

Where Your Backbone Ought to Be

A wise woman named Carrie Bradshaw once said, "we only obsess over relationships that feel unfinished." We tend to get caught up in the what-ifs, the almosts.

"She almost loved him."

"What if he didn't give up on her?"

"They almost made it."

We hold on to those relationships that make us feel like there is more to the story, like maybe we could make it if we got another chance. We can't let go because we want that other chance so desperately, because we hope he comes back one day, or simply because the idea of him was too good to be true. We believe he was our soulmate, and because things didn't necessarily end badly, we believe that maybe we will get that chance one day. We pray God brings him back one day, we wish and hope and scream at the world, angry and broken, and then we hope and pray and wish some more. We need to stop doing that to ourselves.

"See, now that’s your problem. You’re wishin’ too much, baby. You gotta stop wearing your wishbone where your backbone oughtta be."

There comes a time when you have to stop holding on and just let go. It's unhealthy, it's so unhealthy to spend every minute of every day wondering what you did wrong and if he might come back one day. It will mess with your head, your body, your spirit, your soul. Don't give a silly boy that power over you. Don't let him be the reason you lose yourself. You are more than that. You are stronger than that. Take a deep breath in, and let him go. "But I can't," you say. "I can't take down the pictures, I can't erase his name off my chalkboard, I can't delete the texts." Yes. You. Can. You have to stop thinking about him as more than whatever he is to you now, whether that's a friend, an acquaintance, or sometimes, sadly, nothing. Maybe he will come back, maybe he won't - but you have to recognize his new role in your life and holding on to every memory of him won't let you do that.

"But I miss him."

"So miss him. Send him some love and light every time you think about him, then drop it. You’re just afraid to let go of the last bits of him because then you’ll be really alone, and you are scared to death of what will happen if you're really alone. But here’s what you gotta understand. If you clear out all that space in your mind that you’re using right now to obsess about this guy, you’ll have a vacuum there, an open spot – a doorway. And guess what the universe will do with the doorway? It will rush in – God will rush in – and fill you with more love than you ever dreamed. So stop using him to block that door. Let it go."

Don't be afraid to let him go and be alone. Let God in. Inhale and miss him, love him, reminisce on everything you had. Then exhale and let. it. go. There's so much more out there that you're missing. The right one will come along, I promise, and he will be looking for a girl with a backbone, not a wishbone.

5.08.2016

Junior Year

As I'm laying in my bed at home for the first time in forever, I can't help but reflect not only on the past week, but on all the moments and memories I've made since August. So much has happened that I never in my life expected. I never expected to be broken up with, to meet my best friend and the person who just gets me, to make so many new friends, to have my heart truly broken, to lose myself and find myself all over again. I couldn't have predicted a single one of those events, and that fact makes those memories so much sweeter.

After a rocky start to the year, I was determined to make my third year at NC State the best one yet... and I can honestly say that statement was made true! There were ups and downs, a lot of downs, but through it all I truly learned who I was and who I want to be. I learned what interests me, what my strengths are, what my weaknesses are, and what makes me happy. I was introduced to a wonderful group of people who truly made my year what it was. Never would I thought I'd say that a group of frat boys (excuse me, fraternity men) are my best friends! Not only them, but some other wonderful people, too. From watching Borat over and over, to some great themed parties, to lazy snow days sitting around doing a whole lot of nothing, to some great out-of-state adventures, I couldn't imagine life without them. When you're in college, being away from your real family can be hard, so your friends take their place. I can honestly say that the group of friends I made have become my family. We even called nights when we all cooked together family dinners! They have seen me at my lowest and my highest, they have supported me and encouraged me and told me when I was being stupid, and they have truly been my rock this year. Without them I would have thrown away a lot more burnt cookies and laughed a lot less. If there's anything I have taken away from junior year, it's the importance of true friends.

The past week has been a whirlwind. With four finals crammed into three days, I did a whole lot of nothing and then all of the sudden I was running around like a chicken with my head cut off, and then the year was over. I stayed a couple extra days with Taylor so I could go to graduation. A few of my best friends were graduating from Poultry Science and to be there to see them walk was such an honor. I almost made it through without any tears, but Shanna got me to crying there at the end. It was heartbreaking to see some of the people who really impacted my year go on to new adventure, but I couldn't be more happy for them. They have worked so hard and I am so thankful to have met them when I did. It made me think about next year and how an even bigger group of us are graduating together. Thinking about all of us going our separate ways makes me want to cry now, but I know that senior year will be even grander, even more spectacular. This is total picture overload, but here's to my favorite memories from junior year!

Hiking in Charlottesville on Fall Sisterhood Retreat

5 Seconds of Summer Concert with the reunited 4-H fam

Old Dominion with my favorite roomy

The milking booth and the State Fair... and Molasses

NC State put a ring on it... Fall 2015 class ring ceremony

Putting my arm inside a steer's rumen

Lots and lots of tailgates


Spending the evening in the ER when we should have been at a tacky Christmas sweater party

Many a football game spent in the rain

Going with our 4-Hers to Eastern Nationals

NYC with my faves



Jimmy Buffett with my other halves


Formal at White Lake


Atlanta... and turning a 7 hour drive home into a 12 hour adventure


Getting a sweet little

Buying outfits to wear for a total of 1.5 hours at a party

Watching this little fella grow a ton in 4 short months


and watching Shanna graduate!